Answered Prayers

I cherish the confidence that comes with praying. We can be certain of two things when we pray: that God hears us and that He loves us. All of this makes the uncertainty of how our prayers will be answered, a little easier to handle. Okay, so that's not entirely true, for me at least. Waiting seems to be such a difficult place to be.
So why, if I'm so very confident of God's love for me, should I be surprised that I might see and know His love in a deeper and more meaningful way. He has loved His people for all of time!
This past spring God brought me to a place of complete peace and trust in Him for whatever lay ahead...no promises, no answers, just rest in God's presence. What a gift! Something He surely desires for us all, all of the time.
I was so overjoyed that he would take this suffering of mine and use it that I may better understand His love for me. The joy that consumed my heart left me speechless and full of smiles. And that was enough, my heart was complete and full.
But God had more in store, he's so good like that. And this is the part that totally overwhelms me. About two months later I found out I was pregnant! Awesome!!!! But what I love the most about all of this, is that God answered my true hearts desires before giving me the answer to my prayers.
"I was overcome by trouble and sorrow.
Then I called on the name of the Lord: 'O Lord, save me!'
The Lord is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion.
The Lord protects the simple hearted; when I was in great need, he saved me.
Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you."
Psalm 116:3-7
Praises to our God. :)

My Psalm

In the beginning of this suffering I felt your presence always by my side.
Your everlasting hope brought me forward, and your truth prevailed in my heart.

When the struggle continued I sometimes lost my way.
Calling out your name was the only light I saw to bring me from my darkness within.
I didn't always feel your presence, but you were there.
You sent you children to comfort me and pray for me.
But I had lost my hope and bitterness was in my heart.

And as my struggle continues the darkness that surrounded me has turned to light.
My despair has returned to hope, and my bitterness to joy.
My circumstances have not changed, this struggle still exists.
But the peace that passes all understanding has graced my heart.
And the hope that I find only in the promise of an eternity with you has lifted my sorrows.
I will praise you in this storm for you are here with me, and that is my one desire.

Refiners fire

You know how people always use that analogy of God putting us in the fire and refining us like Gold, to get all the dirty parts off...the last couple of weeks I have felt so refined. It's amazing to look at your life and see all the changes and know you have nothing to do with it. Amazing and also humbling that God would desire to form me more into his likeness.
So, what's been going on? Well, God has been preparing our hearts for adoption. And as painful as it has been to let go of the hope of getting pregnant and having a baby, it's been so freeing to cling only to the hope of God. I've found that in fighting infertility it's almost impossible not to let it become an idol in your life. It totally consumes you: your time, emotion, energy, health, money, thoughts. There's not a single part it doesn't touch. In all our efforts to keep it in perspective and keep in check with God, it wasn't until I let it go that I realized what I was holding on to.
God has made it clear to both me and my husband, that our true desire is to be parents. As spoken to me by my husband, we are all adopted children in to God's family. And it makes no difference if the children we raise are from our gene pool, or someone else's.
The last few years have been the most challenging in my life. They've also revealed to me so much of God's character, his love for me, and the sovereigness of his plan for us. It has been and continues to be the sword in my side. And as much as I'm sometimes reminded of it's pain, I'm also reminded of it's driving force to bring me closer to God. My one true desire in this lifetime. I praise Him in this storm, and I hope for more storms to come.

Negative

I'm not quite sure if I'm becoming more realistic and able to read my body, or just losing hope. But I knew it was going to be negative. Another month of a dissappointment and seemingly lost hope. But somewhere deep in my heart God has shown me that that's not true. Dissappointed, yes. Loss of hope, no. Perhaps in having a successful pregnancy, I have lost a little hope. But God has been giving me such a sense of purpose, I am reminded that my ultimate hope is in Him, and he will not dissappoint. Hebrews 10:23 says so, read it! I find my heart has been opening up to adoption. I have no idea if that's where God will take us, but I'm excited that there are other options out there to feel hopeful about. I think I mostly feel hopeful for the future God has for me, however clueless I may be about it. He loves me, and he'll care for me. For the first time, I dont' feel fear after reading a negative pregnancy test! And that is because of hope! So, I may have lost a little, but I feel like I've gained a lot. It's just in a different place.

God comforts Paul

While Paul was in the barracks in Jerusalem, after being attacked and threatened by an angry mob, the Lord came, stood near him, and spoke to him. He said to Paul, "Take courage!" A little reminder that even while Paul may have felt isolated, alone, afraid, and unkowing, God was with him. God let him know there was more ahead and He was with him. I love that the Lord is unchanging! Still today he comes along side me and encourages me. In my suffering with infertility God lifts me up in my darkest moments. He gives me words of truth, thougths of joy, and hope when it seems impossible. Take courage! The Lord is with you and he shall make your path straight. He WILL give you the patience and endurance you need to go on, day by day. He alone is our daily bread, he alone is enough.

God's Word

It's amazing to me to see God's word truely be my daily bread. I need to read, hear, and meditate on his word to get me through each day. I've always had a heart for scripture, but it seems that now I just can't go without it. Some of my favorite have been Psalm 27, 77, and 91, Hebrews 10:23, Colossians 1:11, Lamentations 3:21-24. Pretty much anything that speaks to hope and holding on to God.

Back from blog vaca

I haven't posted here in a couple of years. I've been dealing with infertility for 3 years now and decided it was time to start blogging about it. I want to share with others what my struggle has looked like, how God is sovereign and lifts me up, and all the things he has taught me in this time. I'm not sure anyone will read this, but that's okay.
God bless

Don't erase me.....

So I don't expect anyone to look at this. I haven't written in my blog through the change of three seasons. I'm doing this so I don't get deleted from BJ's list. Not because I plan on starting frequent updates, but because I want to be on her list. I know, silly, but that's really the only reason. Bercos, can probably identify, she's already been deleted. BUT she hasn't updated her blog yet, I checked, so in an effort to keep that from happening to me, I'm acting. Although Bercos did get a whole blog journal on BJ's page dedicated to her, I wonder how I could do that. Well, beej, I'm still here so don't erase me...yet.

drained

Rae of Sunshine
Nothing to exciting going on in my life right now. Just the day in and day out sort of thing. Work has been running me into the ground lately. I have felt completely exhausted after my 12hour shifts, and physically/mentally/emotionally/spiritually challenged during the 12hour shift. God has been my sustainer.
Lately he's been showing me the difference between Him and me in my life. It's been such a blessing, and very humbling. It's making me aware of my need for him on a greater level. I don't know how to explain any better. It feels so deep in my heart; it's difficult to express. I'm just gratefull God continues to teach me.

Cookie's with Emma

How sweet is it when your 3 (and a 1/2, of course) year old niece gets so excited to make cookies with you. It's sort of become a tradition for us. Every once in a while she'll look up at me with her big, beautiful blue eyes, and say in the cutest little voice, "Aunt Ali, how 'bout I come over to your house and bake cookies, okay! Maybe today are tomorrow. Okay!?!!" You can't refuse it. So earlier this week Emma and I made some chocolate chip, pecan cookies for Uncle Jim, and a few for Emma, naturally. Special made, and hand mixed :) by Emma. Uncle Jim said the hand mixing made them extra tasty. :)

Intercede with prayer

Please, please, please take time to read this. It will break your heart, bring you to your knees in prayer, and hopefully move you to be active against such a horrbile crime against children.
Thanks for your time,
ali

When we are anxious

At times in our life we are anxious or fearful, as David was when he wrote this Psalm. But, like David, we are to reflect on the sovreigness of God.
Psalm 63

A psalm of David. When he was in the Desert of Judah.


O God you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
My soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
In a dry and weary land
where there is no water.

I have seen you in the sanctuary
And beheld your power and your glory.
Because your love is better than life,
My lips will glorify you.
I will praise you as long as I live,
And in your name I will lift up my hands.
My soul will be satisfied as with the
Richest of foods;
With singing lips my mouth will praise you.

On my bed I remember you;
I think of you through the watches
Of the night.
Because you are my help,
I sing in the shadow of your wings.
My soul clings to you;
Your right hand upholds me.

They who seek my life will be destroyed;
They will go down to the depths of the earth.
They will be given over the sword
And become food for the jackals.

But the king will rejoice in God;
All who swear by God’s name will praise him,
While the mouths of liars will be silenced.

God's work in Tijuana

I just returned from the most amazing journey! Over Martin Luther King weekend I went with my parents and 50 other people from our church to Tijuana, Mexico. It was only 4 days, but it was incredible. I'm not sure I even know how to communicate my feelings towards it, there simply are not words to describe it. Not only for what God did for that family, but how he blessed those he sent to do it. While there we built 3 homes for 3 families. The people with "Homes of Hope" down there are so organized and do a wonderful job directing us, so everything comes together pretty quickly. In our group ,~15-20 people, only a few had any handyman type experience, let alone the ability to build a house. What's awesome, and sooo God, is that no one got hurt! The family we came to know, was a family of seven. Roberto and Dalila are the parents, and they have 5 kids ranging from baby age to eleven. Their names are Lizeth, Abel, Martha, Sayid, and Roberto. A precious and beautiful family. They worked along side us the entire time. In fact everyone in the neighborhood came. I don't think there was a single child not covered in paint. And now, they have a new home. It's simple, but the floor isn't made of dirt, it has a door and windows, and electricity, which is much more than they had before. When we were finished building we put together the new furniture for the house before the family came to see the finished product. The bunk beds, new mattresses, sheets, pillows, kitchen table, plates, silverware, stove, etc. were all a surprise to the family. It was like our very own little "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" Mexican style. What a blessing to swing a hammer for the Lord, and with such an end result. I will always cherish the friends I made there and look forward to seeing them again someday with our Lord and Savior. Thank you Father for allowing me to go, and thanks mom and dad for providing the way.

what everyone apparently wants to know

So everyone seems to be asking me the same questions lately. And although you may not care the slightest bit, I thought I'd answer them all at once, just in case.
Here is the rundown:
-my favorite and most creative christmas present was a mini-mini cooper from Jim, to make up for the real car I want but won't ever have.
-no, I don't have any New Year's Resolution, and I'm not planning on making any.
-and finally, "No" I'm not pregnant and we're not planning on it anytime soon. However, the big guy has been known to send people surprise packages, so really, you never know.

Aside from that Jim and I had a wonderful "Holiday Season." It was a little more challenging to work out the scheduling, seeing as Jim worked every stinking day. I celebrated Christmas with both of our families and Jim and I were able to have our "Christmas Morning" together one Friday evening. It was awesome to see good friends and family, and I had FIVE days off from work. One of the joys of nursing. We both worked New Years Eve and New Years day, so we didn't celebrate, but we did havean awesome time celebrating our 2 year anniversary. Jim actually had a day off and we went to a little B&B in Washington, Mo. It was awesome.

engagement week

Talk about crazy. Folks, people are getting engaged like crazy. I've had two friends get engaged this week already, and it was this very week three years ago that my handsome, stud of a husband, proposed to me. I'm telling you, if you're thinking about getting engaged this is the week to do it. You have two days left this week, you better get on it. Congratulations Suzie and Terry, Tk and Josh, I'm very excited for all of you.

He is good, he is God

Sometimes you have bad days. We all know that, we dread them, and we are glad when they are over. So two days ago was a bad day. And I didn't deal with it like a good christian girl should. I got mad, and I wore my anger on my sleeve. That night I prayed. I prayed for forgiveness and strength. And as my friend bj says, for stronger hiking boats, and not for an easier path. Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, I got what I prayed for. Yesterday was just as horrible. And it took a big fall to bring me to my knees and lean on the Lord. Literally, I fell, like an old lady, and I have the marks to prove it. And in my weakness, because every part of my body hurt, I found strength in God and felt closer to him as a result of it. And so, God is good.

Thinking of Him

Last year, before thanksgiving, one of my best friends passed away. He was 90 years old and also had the title of my Godfather and grandpa. He was an awesome man, though imperfect in many ways. He knew how to make me feel very special. And his love for games and story telling always made the hours pass quickly in our time together. So I guess it will be from now on, that every holiday season will be filled with memories of him and wishing he was here. Although I can hardly listen to "Have yourself a merry little Christmas," without crying, I like thinking about him so much. It makes him feel a little closer.

Amazing

How awesome is it when God joins two people together to enter into a covenant with, and uses it to demonstrate his love for the church. I recently have learned a lot about the covenant of marriage and what exactly that looks like when it's played out. Perhaps that is what made this wedding last weekend so amazing. But I think it was also because seeing Dom and Angela together and watching them get married was like seeing God's love, work, and guidance in action. God was right there with them. It was beautiful and I loved being a part of it.

Welcome Ali!!

A warm welcome to this lovely lady into the blog world!! Thanks to BJ and Bercos for getting me started on this!