Answered Prayers

I cherish the confidence that comes with praying. We can be certain of two things when we pray: that God hears us and that He loves us. All of this makes the uncertainty of how our prayers will be answered, a little easier to handle. Okay, so that's not entirely true, for me at least. Waiting seems to be such a difficult place to be.
So why, if I'm so very confident of God's love for me, should I be surprised that I might see and know His love in a deeper and more meaningful way. He has loved His people for all of time!
This past spring God brought me to a place of complete peace and trust in Him for whatever lay ahead...no promises, no answers, just rest in God's presence. What a gift! Something He surely desires for us all, all of the time.
I was so overjoyed that he would take this suffering of mine and use it that I may better understand His love for me. The joy that consumed my heart left me speechless and full of smiles. And that was enough, my heart was complete and full.
But God had more in store, he's so good like that. And this is the part that totally overwhelms me. About two months later I found out I was pregnant! Awesome!!!! But what I love the most about all of this, is that God answered my true hearts desires before giving me the answer to my prayers.
"I was overcome by trouble and sorrow.
Then I called on the name of the Lord: 'O Lord, save me!'
The Lord is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion.
The Lord protects the simple hearted; when I was in great need, he saved me.
Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you."
Psalm 116:3-7
Praises to our God. :)

My Psalm

In the beginning of this suffering I felt your presence always by my side.
Your everlasting hope brought me forward, and your truth prevailed in my heart.

When the struggle continued I sometimes lost my way.
Calling out your name was the only light I saw to bring me from my darkness within.
I didn't always feel your presence, but you were there.
You sent you children to comfort me and pray for me.
But I had lost my hope and bitterness was in my heart.

And as my struggle continues the darkness that surrounded me has turned to light.
My despair has returned to hope, and my bitterness to joy.
My circumstances have not changed, this struggle still exists.
But the peace that passes all understanding has graced my heart.
And the hope that I find only in the promise of an eternity with you has lifted my sorrows.
I will praise you in this storm for you are here with me, and that is my one desire.

Refiners fire

You know how people always use that analogy of God putting us in the fire and refining us like Gold, to get all the dirty parts off...the last couple of weeks I have felt so refined. It's amazing to look at your life and see all the changes and know you have nothing to do with it. Amazing and also humbling that God would desire to form me more into his likeness.
So, what's been going on? Well, God has been preparing our hearts for adoption. And as painful as it has been to let go of the hope of getting pregnant and having a baby, it's been so freeing to cling only to the hope of God. I've found that in fighting infertility it's almost impossible not to let it become an idol in your life. It totally consumes you: your time, emotion, energy, health, money, thoughts. There's not a single part it doesn't touch. In all our efforts to keep it in perspective and keep in check with God, it wasn't until I let it go that I realized what I was holding on to.
God has made it clear to both me and my husband, that our true desire is to be parents. As spoken to me by my husband, we are all adopted children in to God's family. And it makes no difference if the children we raise are from our gene pool, or someone else's.
The last few years have been the most challenging in my life. They've also revealed to me so much of God's character, his love for me, and the sovereigness of his plan for us. It has been and continues to be the sword in my side. And as much as I'm sometimes reminded of it's pain, I'm also reminded of it's driving force to bring me closer to God. My one true desire in this lifetime. I praise Him in this storm, and I hope for more storms to come.

Negative

I'm not quite sure if I'm becoming more realistic and able to read my body, or just losing hope. But I knew it was going to be negative. Another month of a dissappointment and seemingly lost hope. But somewhere deep in my heart God has shown me that that's not true. Dissappointed, yes. Loss of hope, no. Perhaps in having a successful pregnancy, I have lost a little hope. But God has been giving me such a sense of purpose, I am reminded that my ultimate hope is in Him, and he will not dissappoint. Hebrews 10:23 says so, read it! I find my heart has been opening up to adoption. I have no idea if that's where God will take us, but I'm excited that there are other options out there to feel hopeful about. I think I mostly feel hopeful for the future God has for me, however clueless I may be about it. He loves me, and he'll care for me. For the first time, I dont' feel fear after reading a negative pregnancy test! And that is because of hope! So, I may have lost a little, but I feel like I've gained a lot. It's just in a different place.

God comforts Paul

While Paul was in the barracks in Jerusalem, after being attacked and threatened by an angry mob, the Lord came, stood near him, and spoke to him. He said to Paul, "Take courage!" A little reminder that even while Paul may have felt isolated, alone, afraid, and unkowing, God was with him. God let him know there was more ahead and He was with him. I love that the Lord is unchanging! Still today he comes along side me and encourages me. In my suffering with infertility God lifts me up in my darkest moments. He gives me words of truth, thougths of joy, and hope when it seems impossible. Take courage! The Lord is with you and he shall make your path straight. He WILL give you the patience and endurance you need to go on, day by day. He alone is our daily bread, he alone is enough.

God's Word

It's amazing to me to see God's word truely be my daily bread. I need to read, hear, and meditate on his word to get me through each day. I've always had a heart for scripture, but it seems that now I just can't go without it. Some of my favorite have been Psalm 27, 77, and 91, Hebrews 10:23, Colossians 1:11, Lamentations 3:21-24. Pretty much anything that speaks to hope and holding on to God.

Back from blog vaca

I haven't posted here in a couple of years. I've been dealing with infertility for 3 years now and decided it was time to start blogging about it. I want to share with others what my struggle has looked like, how God is sovereign and lifts me up, and all the things he has taught me in this time. I'm not sure anyone will read this, but that's okay.
God bless