Refiners fire

You know how people always use that analogy of God putting us in the fire and refining us like Gold, to get all the dirty parts off...the last couple of weeks I have felt so refined. It's amazing to look at your life and see all the changes and know you have nothing to do with it. Amazing and also humbling that God would desire to form me more into his likeness.
So, what's been going on? Well, God has been preparing our hearts for adoption. And as painful as it has been to let go of the hope of getting pregnant and having a baby, it's been so freeing to cling only to the hope of God. I've found that in fighting infertility it's almost impossible not to let it become an idol in your life. It totally consumes you: your time, emotion, energy, health, money, thoughts. There's not a single part it doesn't touch. In all our efforts to keep it in perspective and keep in check with God, it wasn't until I let it go that I realized what I was holding on to.
God has made it clear to both me and my husband, that our true desire is to be parents. As spoken to me by my husband, we are all adopted children in to God's family. And it makes no difference if the children we raise are from our gene pool, or someone else's.
The last few years have been the most challenging in my life. They've also revealed to me so much of God's character, his love for me, and the sovereigness of his plan for us. It has been and continues to be the sword in my side. And as much as I'm sometimes reminded of it's pain, I'm also reminded of it's driving force to bring me closer to God. My one true desire in this lifetime. I praise Him in this storm, and I hope for more storms to come.

Negative

I'm not quite sure if I'm becoming more realistic and able to read my body, or just losing hope. But I knew it was going to be negative. Another month of a dissappointment and seemingly lost hope. But somewhere deep in my heart God has shown me that that's not true. Dissappointed, yes. Loss of hope, no. Perhaps in having a successful pregnancy, I have lost a little hope. But God has been giving me such a sense of purpose, I am reminded that my ultimate hope is in Him, and he will not dissappoint. Hebrews 10:23 says so, read it! I find my heart has been opening up to adoption. I have no idea if that's where God will take us, but I'm excited that there are other options out there to feel hopeful about. I think I mostly feel hopeful for the future God has for me, however clueless I may be about it. He loves me, and he'll care for me. For the first time, I dont' feel fear after reading a negative pregnancy test! And that is because of hope! So, I may have lost a little, but I feel like I've gained a lot. It's just in a different place.